How Therapy Helps Heal Shame and Reclaim Your Identity
- 4 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 3 days ago
Written By Graham Gallivan
Shame is one of the most isolating feelings you can carry. It isn’t something you openly name or direct outwardly. It lives quietly underneath the surface, telling you you are wrong. This shame shows up in reluctance to speak up for yourself and the inability to accept a compliment. Over time, it shapes the way you take up space and navigate your own world.
When you already live in a world that wasn't designed for you, shame can feel like a heavy burden to carry. Bringing these feelings into the open will help to reduce their power. This is where therapy comes into the picture. Not only will it offer a space to explore the roots of your shame, but it also sets you on the path to building a more honest sense of self.
Where Shame Comes From
Shame thrives in environments where your personality is criticized rather than your actions or behaviors. During childhood, this can look like harsh parenting or peer bullying. In some cases, religious environments offer messaging that certain identities are considered broken or unacceptable. Later in life, discrimination, rejection, or repeated messages that you are “too much” can all cause an onset.
For LGBTQ+ individuals, shame often has an added layer. Society norms are built around heteronormative messaging that their identity is something to hide or feel ashamed of. Even in affirming environments, there is still this stigma that intertwines in some capacity.
What Shame Does to the Self
Unaddressed shame can influence your identity in ways you may not expect or even realize. Common patterns include:
Perfectionism to compensate for feeling flawed
Chronic self-criticism
A persistent feeling that you don’t belong
Anxiety around being seen for who you are
Intimacy and vulnerability issues in relationships
These patterns become a way to survive the day-to-day life. Unfortunately, they also hinder your ability to be authentic and live fully.
How Therapy Can Help
Healing shame is a gradual process of rebuilding your relationship with yourself and feeling comfortable in your own skin. Therapy provides the structure and safety to help you in your efforts.
Creating a Non-Judgmental Space
Secrecy fuels shame. Speaking your fears out loud and being met with compassion can create a needed shift. Feeling genuinely seen is one of the best parts of therapy.
Tracing the Roots of Shame
Understanding that shame is taught, not a true sentiment, is a large component of healing. Much of what we internalize about ourselves comes from past experiences.
Working with Your Values
Certain therapy techniques can help you identify what truly matters to you, separate from what shame is telling you. Living in alignment with your values can erode shame.
Developing Self-Compassion
Mindfulness exercises help reduce self-critical thoughts rather than being defined by them. This creates space for you to process and respond to shame more effectively.
Reclaiming Your Identity
Rebuilding your sense of self means giving yourself permission to keep discovering who you are. It means approaching life with curiosity instead of criticism and contempt. The opinions of others shouldn't dictate your worth. The only standards that you need to meet are your own.
Grief may also be a part of this process. Grief over the years that you spent hiding. It may be grieving relationships, opportunities that shame cost, or a version of themselves they might have been if shame hadn’t dictated a certain path. This grief is a valid experience that therapy can also address.
Ready to Begin?
If you are carrying shame and are ready to unpack it, you don’t have to struggle alone. Through LGBTQ+ counseling, we can explore how shame has impacted your life and work towards building a more compassionate relationship with yourself. Reach out to schedule a consultation.
