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Coping with the Stress of Having to Hide your Sexuality


Written By Graham Gallivan


You’re enjoying a night of dinner and drinks with your family. Conversation is flowing smoothly when someone makes an offhand comment about relationships. Naturally, you smile, but your mind instantly spins trying to figure out how to deflect.


The weight of constantly monitoring what you say, altering your stories to better fit a more comfortable narrative, and calculating who is safe to be honest with takes a toll that is hard to understand for those not living it.


The mental gymnastics doesn’t just happen at big family gatherings. It’s a part of your everyday life with coworkers and acquaintances. When you can’t be open about your sexuality, it can be exhausting and harm your mental health in unexpected ways. Having effective coping strategies to help manage these challenges is crucial.


The Hidden Cost of Hiding


The stress of keeping your sexuality a secret goes beyond not being an open book. When you have to conceal such a core part of your identity, you’re at a higher likelihood of developing anxiety and depression. Keeping this a secret leads you down a path of living two different lives.


Even though societal norms have loosened, many people still face situations where being out and open feels unsafe or professionally risky. Your company may hold conservative values or be tied to a community where acceptance is limited. By coming out to your leaders, you may indirectly place yourself in a position that limits your growth.


Creating Space for Your Authentic Self


When you can’t be entirely out in certain areas of your life, you want to ensure there are spaces where authenticity is welcome.


  • Build a chosen family: Surround yourself with people who genuinely know you and celebrate who you are. This can be the LGBTQIA+ community or trusted loved ones.

  • Find affirming environments: Seek out spaces where you can temporarily crop the mask of hiding your sexuality.

  • Practice self-compassion: Recognize that choosing safety isn’t a weakness or shortcoming. Being compassionate with yourself is an essential form of self-care.

  • Honor your feelings: Give yourself permission to desire the freedom you don’t quite have yet.


Manage Your Day-to-Day Stress


Being in a constant state of alertness about how you present yourself or who might be listening creates chronic stress that requires proper management. Practicing routine mindfulness practices can help you stay grounded in the present moment, especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed.


Engage with your senses. Notice what you see, smell, hear, and feel in your surroundings. Not only will it distract you from anxiety and stress, but it also helps you connect with your body.

Regular check-ins matter for long-term management of any symptoms. See where you carry your stress and how it affects different aspects of your daily life. These are signals worth heeding.


Working Towards Alignment


Living with this disconnect between your true self and the self you present to those around you isn’t sustainable. As you navigate your current reality, it can be helpful to start taking small steps toward greater authenticity.


This may mean coming out to someone more trusted or finding a new support circle. It may be working with a therapist who affirms your identity. If nothing else, it could even be making plans for feasible changes that would allow you more freedom in the near future.


Seeking Professional Guidance


Hiding your sexuality can be complicated and exhausting. You don’t have to figure out your path forward alone. Working with a therapist who understands the specific pressures faced by LGBTQIA+ individuals can offer immediate coping strategies and help with problem-solving for the future.


If you’re carrying the weight of hiding who you are, contact me to learn more about counseling for LGBTQIA+ and begin building a more comfortable life. I’m here to help!



 
 
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